I have Triskaidekaphobia

I'm not the only one:

In Scotland, there is no terminal 13 in any airport, instead there is a terminal 12B.
Some airplanes skip a row 13, going straight from 12 to 14.
Some tall buildings have resorted to skipping the "thirteenth floor", either by numbering it "14" or as "12a".
Some streets do not contain a house number 13.
The Code of Hammurabi, a collection of laws created ca. 1760 BC, does not contain a thirteenth law.
On the 13th day of the Persian new year (Norouz), people consider staying at home unlucky, and go outside for a picnic in order to ward off the bad luck.
Most race car drivers consider 13 a very unlucky number, as a car carrying that number has never won the Indianapolis 500 or a NASCAR Nextel Cup race. Some NASCAR tracks refuse to have a pit stall #13.
At the Universal Studios sound stages in California, there is no sound stage numbered 13.
Microsoft plans to skip Office 13 for being "an unlucky number," going directly from Office 12 to Office 14.
The early Romans thought 13 was a sign of death and destruction.
According to Norse mythology, if you sat 13 people down at a table, that was very unlucky. (Why? At a banquet of 12 people in Valhalla, an intruder (number 13 ) caused the death of Balders son Odin).
Witches meet in covens that have 13 members.
The fear of the number 13 is called triskaidekaphobia.
Next time you fly, see if there is a row 13 in the plane.
Movers, doctors and dentists say their business drops on Friday the 13th.
The good news is that a maximum of three Friday the 13th can occur in a year, and sometimes there is just one.

The US $1 Dollar Bill is a hotbed of 13's:
13 levels in the pyramid, 13 stars, 13 arrows, 13 stripes, 13 leaves, and 13 olives.
I swear. Check it for yourself!

Obsessed.

I am completely obsessed with this place and have wanted to go here for YEARS and have not gotten the chance to. Its like a homage for me, because Sarah Winchester could quite possibly be even more obsessed with the number 13 than me.
Just wanted to bring it up, because it is getting close to halloween and this place is freaking creepy!


WINCHESTER MYSTERY HOUSE:
Deeply saddened by the deaths of her daughter Annie in 1866 and her husband in 1881, and seeking solace, Sarah Winchester consulted a medium on the advice of a friend. According to popular history, the medium, who has become known colloquially as the "Boston Medium", told Winchester that there was a curse upon the Winchester family because the guns they made had taken so many lives. She told Winchester that "thousands of people have died because of it and their spirits are now seeking vengeance."
Although this is disputed, many believe the Boston Medium told Sarah Winchester that she had to leave her home in New Haven and travel West, where she must "build a home for yourself and for the spirits who have fallen from this terrible weapon, too. You can never stop building the house. If you continue building, you will live. Stop and you will die." Whether this tale is true or not, Winchester did move west, settling in California, where she began construction on her mansion.
Sarah Winchester inherited more than $20 million upon her husband's death. She also received nearly 50 percent ownership of the Winchester Repeating Arms Company, giving her an income of roughly $1,000 per day, none of which was taxable until 1913. This amount is roughly equivalent to $21,000 a day in 2006 dollars. All of this gave her a tremendous pool of wealth from which to draw to fund construction on the mansion.

Its coming.......

As only Marilyn Manson can do it......

Romantic dinner?

We're cooking dinner at my house for Halloween this year. Lets hope it turns out like this.

It's a long way up........

The video may be a little too much like a bad hallmark card, but the song and the words are so good.

Boundary Issues

"I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that's not fair to say. i have issues with boundaries, one must HAVE boundaries in the first place, right? But I DISAAPEAR into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have EVERYTHING. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time.....EVERYTHING. If I love you, i will carry for you all your pain, i will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protct you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that they only way I can recover my energy is by becomming infatuated with someone else."

-eat, pray, love

The Definition of a True Soul Mate

Soul Mate:
" People think a soul mate is your perfect fit. That is what everyone wants to believe. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that has been holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so that you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you will ever meet, because they tear down your walls and shake you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? That is too painful. Soul mates come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. The problem is, sometimes it is hard to let them go.

My soul mates purpose was to get me over a marriage I needed to be over and to tear up my ego a little, showing me my obstacles and addictions, breaking my heart open so that a new light could get in, and making me so desperate and out of control that I HAD to transform my life......."

-Eat, Pray, Love

It'll All Work Out

She wore faded jeans and soft black leather
She had eyes so blue they looked like weather
When she needed me I wasn't around
That's the way it goes, it'll all work out

There were times apart, there were times together
I was pledged to her for worse or better
When it mattered most I let her down
That's the way it goes, it'll all work out

It'll all work out eventually
Better off with him than here with me

It'll all work out eventually
Maybe better off with him than here with me

Now the wind is high and the rain is heavy
And the water's rising in the levee
Still I think of her when the sun goes down
It never goes away, but it all works out

-Tom Petty-

"I'm impossible to forget but hard to remember."

Watched Elizabethtown AGAIN this weekend. More amazing everytime I watch it.



SUBSTITUTE PEOPLE

How many do you have to kiss?

How many toads can one girl kiss?!

Black and White, Silver and Gold

Black and White

There are some things in life that come in black and white- tuxedos, newspapers, checkerboards, playing cards, dice......Feelings are pretty black and white too. For instance; Do you love me or not? Do you want me or not? Does it hurt you when you think about the possibility of me f#cking someone else or not? Are you ready to let me go or not?
Black and White. Pick one and wear it proudly. We are at the end of our line and I've already picked my team. I've never looked good in white.


Silver and Gold

Silver and gold are another color combination like black and white- but unlike black and white, one is more valuable in this combination. Gold is worth more than silver and right now I am as GOLD as f'ing Pony Boy Curtis.
I was your silver lining, but its OK because now I'm gold.
(Thanks Liz, I LOVE Rilo Kiley too)

Take me home country roads........

Can't wait to be back in PA. A place where all the women don't look like Barbies, but they are beautiful all the same.
The place I call home. Eating my mom's fattening food (she uses REAL butter) and riding Harley's with my Dad.
And, NO...just because I grew up in PA does not mean I am Amish.

I just want to sleep....

INSOMNIA- Insomnia is a sleep disorder characterized by an inability to sleep and/or inability to remain asleep for a reasonable period. Insomniacs typically complain of being unable to close their eyes or "rest their mind" for more than a few minutes at a time. Both organic and nonorganic insomnia constitute a sleep disorder. Insomnia can be caused by:
Psychological problems like fear, stress, anxiety, emotional or mental tension, work problems, financial stress, unsatisfactory sex life (what sex life?)
Mental Disorders such as clinical depression, bipolar disorder, general anxiety disorder, sleep disorders
Disturbances of the circadian rhythm such as shift work and jet lag.
Certain neurological disorders, brain lesions, or a history of Traumatic brain injury
Medical conditions such as Hyperthyroidism
Insomnia also sometimes occurs for no apparent reason. An overactive mind or physical pain may also be causes. Finding the underlying cause of insomnia is usually necessary to cure it. Insomnia can be common after the loss of a loved one.

Colorblind

If you weren't madly in love with Sebastian after watching this movie there is something wrong with you (unless you are a guy, of course). I'm reall sad that Ryan cheated on Reese. I think I need to boycott him.

You have been the one........

Why does it always take losing something to realize what you have let go?




"I will bear my soul sometime when I am kneeling at your feet"

You really shouldn't continually try to provoke the crazy chick, because than this happens..........

There is this girl in my life who used to be a friend until she used me to try to date someone I loved deeply (and she knew that at the time). This girl is the deceptive type- the one that asks questions so that she can take those answers and make them her own. We have all met a girl like this in our lives. They are the ones that have no personality of their own, no style, and no original ideas. She is like a chamelon who rubbed against my branches just to steal my color. She steals a little color from everyone she meets and uses it to form an image of herself she thinks people will like. If she is into a guy with tattoos she covers her body with tattoos, if she is into a guy that lives in the 909 she drives a monster truck and puts bad extensions in her hair........etc.
Now she has resorted to stealing my ideas and attempting to steal my friends. Honestly, its a compliment to me that she wants my ex-boyfriend, my style, my friends, my party ideas, my life...........but she should be careful what she wishes for. My scars run deep and she doesn't have what it takes to walk in my shoes. Let alone eat the gum off the bottom of them.
I only wish she had something I wanted to take from her because I can resort too stealing too. Unfortunately, she has nothing worth taking.
Oh, and Envy looks really unattractive on some people, especially around the stomach area.

Wow, its amazing how well Wellbutrin works. I'm like a new happy, cheery person with absolutely no hate in my heart. :)

I year and a few days......

RIP Tige. We miss you. Thank you for telling me you loved me before you left.
We will meet again and this time you'll have my roses, dammit!
My favorite memory of you was in Ocean City with Brad, Kip and Cindy. You were riding around everywhere on that long skateboard and you were doing backflips off cars, piers, steps- everything. I told you that you looked like Sebastian from Cruel Intentions- I guess everyone used to tell you that, but we'll pretend I was the first ;) What I wouldn't give to be back on the sand on that beach at that time, before life tore us all apart. I'm just happy I have a picture of that one moment in time.....when we were all tan, skinny, in love and really freaking happy. I only wish we had realized it then.

MAD LOVE

I was obsessed with this movie growing up. I wanted to be EXACTLY like Drew Barrymore in this movie when I was younger and I think I succeeded (minus the part about taping pictures of eyes allover a dirty hotel room in Tijauana- but who knows, there's still time, right?!). I wanted THIS realtionship. I'm serious! How weird is it that out of ALL the early 90's love films I picked this one to immitate? I completely forgot how crazy I was about this movie until I saw this clip!
If you've ever dated me- watch this movie. It will explain ALOT......

A little secret of mine- my love of butterflies was intensified to such a higher level after watching this movie ("Butterfies are Free") I went and had one tattooed on my back. Yep, that was the inspiration......I completely forgot that until just now. Random......Oh, and I still listen to 7 Year Bitch and Magnapop :)


MAGNAPOP.
Love them.......

It's coming.......

Halloween is my favorite holiday ever.

If you ever read this D$... do you remember how obsessed I was with the Nightmare Before Christmas video game? I LOVED that game. Thanks for letting me play it for hours on end, taking over your TV, while you read tattoo magazines! I am STILL angry about the bat situation. Do you know what it is like to play a game for 40+ hours and ALMOST beat the level you need to beat to move on to Christmas town, and then there is a stupid glitch in the game that won't allow you to turn in all the bats you collected?! I needed 6 bats. I found all 6. But, the game had problems accepting this fact, and who wants to replay the ENTIRE game from that point on, not knowing if it will accept your bats the second time? It's honestly been a year since this happened and I am STILL so frustrated that I will never get sucked into another viedo game again!

I prefer the worst of you, too bad you had to have a better half.

Since I'm in an Ani DiFranco phase...here's the ultimate break-up song.
If you listen to this song over and over again the words begin to become yours and you start to stop feeling sad for yourself and you start wanting to be able to say "fuck you" with the same intensity she does. Its therapeutic actually.



untouchable face


think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you

i could make you happy, you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but you're perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
who am i
bet you can't even tell me that much

2:30 in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
safe haven of the sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down the top 20 country songs

out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
you know i really don't look forward
to seeing you again soon.

you look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
i won't know what to do
i won't know what to say

so fuck you...

i see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying

is fuck you...

32 Flavors

I have a friend that I don't see everyday but I know she is always with me. She is that friend that always answers the phone when I call. She will always tell me the truth no matter how much it may hurt her to utter those words, because she can feel my pain too. My friend is Cindy, and her and I have been through alot together and we keep going through more. She makes me a stronger person because I watch her constantly struggle and deal with the punches, yet she always comes out smiling, looking beautiful as ever. Bruises and pain are nothing to her. She's lived 3 lifetimes already and for some reason life just keeps throwing her in the ring. She is a true testiment to "God doesn't give you what you wish for, he gives what you can handle".
Well, God must think she can handle ALOT. The crazy thing is, after all she has gone through she isn't angry at the world like other people would be. Instead she uses her life experiences to help others through tough times. She is spiritually enlightened and just being around her makes you a little bit stronger and more enlightened too.
Unfortunately, we live in a world where people don't always understand that her beauty radiates from inside. Other girls that know nothing of her past are jealous of what they see in front of them and judge her harshly for no reason other than their own insecurities. They always say you shouldn't judge a person until you've walked a mile in their shoes....I challenge these people to walk 3 steps in hers... through the ashes of her past....with each step hurting worse than the last because of the pain growing inside you. When you have walked those steps and if you still radiate light the ways she does- then you can judge.

"God help you if you are an ugly girl. Course too pretty is also your doom. Because everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room. God help you if you are a pheonix and you dare to rise up from the ash. A thousand eyes will smoulder with jealousy while you are just flying past".

I don't want to be alone......

October is right around the corner, which means you have about 28 days until the world ends ...........Donnie Darko.
This movie shows the darker side of getting to go back in time and change your destiny. If you could time travel, how would you do it all over again? What would you change? Or would you just NOT do it all over again?



You can pretend that you hate Blink 182 because they "sold out" but you have to admit some of their songs are pretty catchy.

More Than a Memory

People say he's only in my head
Gonna take time but I'll forget
Say I need to get on with my life
What they don't realize

Is when you're dialing 6 numbers just to hang up the phone
Driving cross town just to see if he's home
Waking a friend in the dead of the night
just to hear him say it'll be alright
When you're finding things to do at night, trying not fall asleep
because now he will be there in your dreams
that's when he's
more than a memory

took a page of everything he ever wrote
watched every word go up in smoke
tore all his pictures off the wall
that aint helping me at all

because when you're talking out loud to nothing but air
you look like hell and you just don't care
you're drinking more than you ever drank
and sinking down lower than you ever sank
then you find yourself falling on your knees
shaking your fist, begging "please"
that's when he's
more than a memory

People say he's only in my head
Gonna take time but I'll forget
but when he's in every minute of every day
every thought i think
every breath i take
he's everywhere and he's everything
he's more than a memomory

Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Song de Jour ;)

Cat Power

I Got the Nicest Email Ever Today.....

This was sent to me this morning by my long lost friend Brian (aka PotZ :). We met 10 years ago in a Newark DE bar called the Deerpark. I tried to fight his sister because I though she was hitting on my boyfriend at the time. Brian pulled me off her and ended up piercing my tongue 10 days later.....i guess there is a certain bond you form with the person you trust to stick a 1/8" wide needle through the center of your tongue- because we have been friends every since!

"I have always missed you woman. I tried to call you occasionally. You never called back. You know you are always in my heart we have been there for each other through some good and bad times for many years now. We probably go farther back then most. You are the only woman I know who has been through almost as much craziness as me and still tries to never forget that a life of living without passion isn't really life at all but a passionate life is extremely volatile and can implode at any minute. Yet we are still brave enough to walk through eyes wide open still looking for the blinding light given off by the intermingling of the two right puzzle pieces. Lea, I miss u dearly. Isn't the whole reason I moved out here to began with was to be closer to you. Yet lately I have never felt farther apart. I think it is about time we both need to invest more time in each other and our friendship. I have always loved you no matter what but I am sure you knew that. So tomorrow i will send you a text to the # I still have for you.
I heart you dear your page and your blogs sound like the same stuff I have been writing lately (poetry) I think we should just plan a weekend away and go somewhere scenic maybe with waterfalls or something and paint what we can and take pictures for inspiration for some projects we can paint or write about in the future.
So till I here back from you dear..........Hopefully today lets see if i can still tell when the phone is going to ring before you call. It only worked with you and Tamar and she still calls me every week.
I MISS YOUR PASSION"

Angels We Have Heard on High...

My friend introduced me to the angel cards. She would use them often to help her to understand the things going on around her. Sometimes during tragedy they would offer her a glimpse of hope. Now she has the cards and will read them every once in awhile when she feels compelled. Maybe it is us manifesting our own destiny or maybe the angels really are trying to tell us something, either way its in your cards.....
Check it out for yourself and read your cards for free online:
http://www.consciousone.com/angelcards/angelcardsview.cfm

Hope your angels can help.......

BHAGAVAD GITA

"It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection".

Slow Your Roll

I was told tonight, but someone who is considered a professional in the mental health world that I need to SLOW DOWN.
How the heck do I do this?
My world has been a whirlwind of emotion since the day I was born. I'm not even kidding- I came into this world as a "dramatic situation". I was born REALLY sick and needed blood transfusions and bone marrow tests. My mom was ridicuously sick with pnuemonia and was probably on her death bed too and my dad was ...out hunting?
Needless to say, I'm sure the hospital room where I spent the first couple hours of my life was probaby not the epidomy of calm and well being.
I'm just not a SLOW person. I wasn't raised in a SLOW house hold. I don't drive SLOW, talk SLOW, work SLOW, walk SLOW, read SLOW or react SLOW.
Its almost like teaching myself another language, this concept of SLOWING DOWN. I don't even know where to start?
How do you lightly tap on the brakes after 29 years of excess speeding?

Does this happen in Real Life?

I had to borrow this one from Liz's page...
Basically this has been my week without the happy romantic ending.
(And he wonders why I expected him to knock on my door and sweep me off my feet? Maybe cause in movie world people get off freaking jets to rescue the sobbing girl that they love.!!)
Hollywood f#cks with our minds!
Do I need to stop watching movies now too?
Maybe I'll just stick to watching porn (because that stuff happens all the time in real life too). Totally kidding.



If you haven't seen this movie, you need to rent it over this rainy weekend.

Keeping it in the Family

Check out my cousin Liz's blog spot. She's an amazing person and a great writer. Her page will remind you of what it was like before you knew what you know now. I love her!

http://liz-lifeasiknowit.blogspot.com

Eat, Pray, Love

A paragraph from the book I am reading right now....seemed relevant for some reason.


"Last Spring David had offered this crazy solution to our woes, only have in jest: "What if we acknowledged that we have a bad relationship, and we stuck it out anyway? What if we admitted that we make eachother nuts, we fight constantly and hardley ever have sex, but we can't live without eachother, so we deal with it? And then we could spend our lives together- in misery, but happy to not be apart".
Let it be testimony to how desperately I love this guy that I have spent the last ten months giving that offer serious consideration. The other alternative in the backs of our minds, of course, was that one of us might change. He might become more open and affectionate, not withholding himself from anyone who loves him on the fear that she will eat hs soul.
Or I might learn how to......stop trying to eat his soul.

(EAT, PRAY, LOVE pg 81. By Elizabeth Gilbert)

Voices Off Camera

Can you hear the desperate cries
that are calling out your name?
Twisting your arms, holding out their hands
and tugging at your sleeve
Do you feel this underlying sense of urgency
or are you as blind as me?

I hit the ground and I'm still running but I need a place to stay tonight,
I swear I'll be gone in the morning I just need somewhere now

I can't bear the thought of losing,
I dread the attention winning brings
and ever since the day I came here
I can stand without your strings
I'm so sick of all these people
but I'm scared to be alone
and if this life has taught me anything
I forgot it long ago

The heart is something you can't control
We either choose to follow or be left on our own
So we're leaving here on a less-travelled road
As desperate cries grow louder, I know we're getting close, getting close

And so I hit the ground and I'm still running but I need a place to stay tonight,
I swear I'll be gone in the morning I just need somewhere warm to close my eyes
Hit the ground and I'm still running but I need a place to stay tonight,
I swear I'll be gone in the morning I just need somewhere warm to close my eyes
(-R.A.)

Oooops..I did it again

Cheers to my amazing ability to sabotage things that quite possibly could make me happy.

OK- Our Parents' VHS F#cked Us Up......

Jessica just reminded me of this of this wonderful film that her parents let her watch too...ANOTHER one where everybody dies and it messes with your head. We sat here and brainstormed the movies of our childhood and realized why we have issues.
How can you grow up to be a happy person when you didn't get to grow up with Lion Kings and Ariel Mermaids? No, we got last unicorns that got killed by the giant devil, rabbits getting eaten by dogs and talking rats dying in sewers..............

Where have you Been?!

My all time favorite movie! I found it! I'm so excited. I needed this after the Watership Down memories. Thank God for happy kid movies....actually I think the last unicorn dies at the end of this too. Why were movies so tradgic and unhappy when I was little? And my parents wonder why I am dramatic and negative all the time?... Maybe if they hadn't constantly rented VHS tapes from the "Scar Your Kid for Life" section at Blockbuster I would be a much happier adult.
Does anyone else remember this?
Never stop believing in unicorns.

Everybody's Got to Learn Sometime

I have one last question for HIM.......if you could do it all over again and we would still have the same fate at the end...would you rewind our story?

Broken Hearts Kill People

It is true you can die from a broken heart.
The facts:

"It is actually possible to die of ONLY a broken heart. It stems from the flight or fight responce. It affects mainly women (this is not understood why) and usually people with already damaged hearts (of 20 people 19 were female and over 70, one was 27 though). Anyhow, when shocked, the heart creats adrenalyn and other bio-chemicals. combined with an already weak heart from Heart disease, this can shock the heart into a pseudo-heart attack. It doesn't stop the heart, but renders it completely useless." (answerbag.com)

I wonder how broken your heart has to be to be "rendered useless"?

The heart is the most resilent muscle we have and also the most stupid. It rarely ever listens to the brain and it seems to never give up trying. Your heart can have scars and cuts all over it and be missing pieces that you allowed people to take with them when they left (like little souveniers), but it keeps beating......and hoping...... and waiting.
Broken hearts are tricky. When you have one you believe that no one else in the world could possibly have ever felt this bad or had this pain inside them. You can physically feel your heart hurting. But you have to accept the fact that this isn't the worst heartache you will endure or the last. Take it from the jaded girl- your heart is capable of breaking many times and each one feels worse than the last. The first cut is not always the deepest.


I found this online tonight. Its so weird....but who knows, maybe it works?
The Broken Heart Calculator:
For Long relationships (1 YEAR OR MORE)
Follow these simple instructions to figure out how long your heart will ache:
1. Estimate how happy you were (day to day) on a scale of 1 to 3
2. Estimate how physically attractive you found your mate on a scale of 1 to 3
3. Add up A and B - and then divide this number by 2-- this will give you a number in years
4. Subtract one year from the total
Example: I was happily dating HIM for 2.5 years (I ranked my happiness a 2.5 out of 3. I found him very attractive, a 3 out of 3. He leaves. My heart will officially take 1.75 years to recover. I've already used up that 0.75, so I've got 1 more year to go...yea :(

**Hope this helps you Liz, your heart has already survived ALOT more than this. It will keep on beating and breaking but you will learn something from each bruise. And those cuts will heal into scars that will eventually be covered with band aids given to you by your next great love.

Make Me Cry

I have no idea why I am so obsessed with this right now,but for some reason I am. Maybe its because my dog almost got picked up and taken away by a hawk the other day, and it reminded me of the sheer horror I felt as a child watching this movie....or maybe its because I just really like rabbits. Either way, I need to talk about WATERSHIP DOWN
If you absoluetly refuse to read a book, you need to rent the movie. Don't believe the hype that this is a childrens story or think its just a random cartoon. Its a classic. If you didn't already read the book in school, read it now. If you already read it in school, read it again you will appreciate it now. This book has all kinds of political and religious undertones and will totally make you cry. I will never look at rabbits the same again. If you read the book and you like it, track down the movie PLAGUE DOGS. I last saw it when I was 15, but it was amazing and totally sad. It follows two dogs that break out of an animal research center. I would watch it again, but I think it will launch me into another fit of maniac depression and I will be at the pound trying to adopt every stray animal saving it from a possible life of animal research and torture.......

Oy my God, just watching this clip makes me cry......this is where rabbits go when they die.
I imagine Bonita is there as well..



Seriously, how can this movie be for kids?


I honestly can not believe my parents let me watch this stuff when I was little. I wasn't allowed to watch Hannibal movies but I was allowed to watch this stuff? Mom and Dad you are lucky I'm not a crazed PETA activist blowing up research labs!

Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less

Desiderata

The other night I was wondering home alone from a place that doesn't have any importance to the story. Along my path I passed a school that was being demolished and a steeple that was being torn down. In the pile of fallen bricks and morter I saw a frame lyng unharmed in the heap. I pulled it out to take home, thinking it would be a great frame to put a painting in some day when I feel like painting again. I put the frame in my living room and went to bed. The next day I woke up and examined the frame to find this inside it......just when I needed these words most.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Time Stands Still in My Space World

MySpace has allowed us the opportunity to never move on completely. Two years ago I would never have any idea who my ex-boyfriend is dating, nor would I know the spiteful comments some random girl is making about me in a foolish attempt to regain her self respect. I have a daily reminder of friends passed who still live on in myspace world. I can read and re-read the last comments left by my friend who ended his own life over a year ago, hanging on to everyword imagining his fingers typing each letter for the last time, just as I type them now. Myspace empowers you with a sort of knowledge that would have been better left unknown sometimes. It exposes secrets that may have been better off kept to themselves.

For instance, tonight....I witnessed the downfall of two marriages via some insider information and a few myspace hits. People who were onced linked in an eternal bond of love now have digressed to removing eachother from their top 8. Scandals are brewing in the comments left on their page by witty strangers...who are not really strangers. It's all too much. But it's like one big trainwreck with blood and guts all over the track. You know what you are going to see if you look, but you look and what you see still has the power to shock and horrify you....or if someone you know is in the wreck, it leaves you scared for life.

I am so thankful that during our 3 year relationship (and still to this day) D never had a myspace page. He hated the idea of my page but he always trusted me enough to never "drive by" and lurk at the wreckage.

He told her Her Hair was Red.

This is for one of the bestest friends anyone could ask for.
My astrological twin....but stronger than me in so many ways.
He told her Her Hair was Red but she loved him first.



"Samson"

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
He ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed
And history books forgot about us and the bible didn't mention us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads
But they're just old light, they're just old light
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light
And he told me that I'd done alright
And kissed me 'til the mornin' light, the mornin' light
And he kissed me 'til the mornin' light

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed
Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down
Yeah we couldn't destroy a single one
And history books forgot about us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first

Knife Wound To the Heart

Now I get it.

The Sounds

Tonight I went to see The Sounds play in Santa Monica.
I really didn't want to motivate and go see them at the last minute, but I am really glad I did. I think I may have been the oldest person at the show......but I was with great friends, drinking pretty cheap beers and I got to see a really good show.

The thing that I love about The Sounds is their lyrics. There is a time in your life or a person in your life that you
can imagine each and every song was written for. It's like somebody figured out how to put that moment into words and then add music to it.

"Night After Night"

It all seemed perfect
But there are moments when I feel nothing at all
Same as always
Now it's repeating itself all over again

Night after night you say you move on
tomorrow, tomorrow
Now, what's holding you back?
I don't know, I don't know
Night after night you say you move on
tomorrow, tomorrow
Now, what's holding you back?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know

Don't feel sorry
'Cause there's no reason for us to fight any more
Tears are coming, and years are going
I hope we'll learn something

Night after night you say you move on
tomorrow, tomorrow
Now, what's holding you back?
I don't know, I don't know
Night after night you say you move on
tomorrow, tomorrow
Now, what's holding you back?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know

Night after night you say you move on
tomorrow, tomorrow
Now, what's holding you back?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
Night after night you say you move on
tomorrow, tomorrow
Now, what's holding you back?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know

Somebody I used to Know

"Somebody That I Used To Know"

I had tender feelings that you made hard
But it's your heart, not mine, that's scarred
So when I go home I'll be happy to go
You're just somebody that I used to know
You don't need my help anymore
It's all now to you, there ain't no before
Now that you're big enough to run your own show
You're just somebody that I used to know
I watched you deal in a dying day
And throw a living past away
So you can be sure that you're in control
You're just somebody that I used to know
I know you don't think you did me wrong
And I can't stay this mad for long
Keeping ahold of what you just let go
You're just somebody that I used to know

--Elliot Smith--
The only person that seemed to get it.

Solo Mission

I grew up with 3 brothers and overprotective parents so I was never alone. This is still true of my life today. I rarely do anything alone. I never felt confident enough to walk into a bar alone or grab a nice dinner by myself. I was always worried people would think I was alone.....random, considering I am alone.

So......last night was a breakthrough for me. After being let down for the last time, I was stuck holding 2 really good tickets to the Rise Against/ Lagwagon show in Long Beach. I have wanted to see this show for awhile now and because I was supposed to be there with HIM, it didnt seem right to scramble to try to find a replacement. So...... I just went,
I got in my car and I drove to Long Beach and I went......... ALONE.

I guess when you go to a concert by yourself people feel bad for you or something because everybody gives you stuff. It was weird. Free parking, free beer, free wristband for the mosh pit, free backstage pass.... I didnt even ask for any one this stuff. People just offered.

There is something about the people at a hardcore show. The people are there for one thing- the music. Guys don't hit on you. Girls don't throw galnces. People don't get into fights. It was amazing being in the center of the floor- elbows flying everywhere, drenched in my sweat and other peoples sweat, blood on my shirt from someone I never met, tattoos, piercings and random lost shoes tripping people up- but amongst all the chaos there was a sense of brotherhood that you don't experience often. I know it sounds cliche and cheesey- but it's true. Random strangers protecting me from the few out of control people, guys all jumping into a pool of elbows and knees risking bodily harm in order to pick up a complete stranger who fell and was getting trampled. Complete respect for the the guy you just threw across the pit. Complete respect for the blonde girl alone in the middle of a sea of sweaty men. Not one guy grabbed me boob or said anything offensive to me. These punks showed more respect than any mercedes driving newport beach "professional" mf'er that I have ever met and that is the guy that tries to put them down.

Rise Against and Lagwagon- you killed it. Thank you for a great night and for giving me the courage to stand alone.

Going to a show alone is an experience everyone needs to have.

Infatuated love Story

I personally am addicted to two things. Pepsi and HIM. It all began years ago when I looked into his sad eyes and decided that I personally could lift the weight of the world off his shoulders. I was wrong.

We have all been addicted to something. We can be addicted to drugs, coffee, video games, work, exercise, cigarettes, alcohol....the list goes on and on.
Emotional addiction is a hard thing to break. We all know the feeling. I'm just going to be the first one to be brutaly honest about the type of addiction better known as infatuation.....


Addiction begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared to admit you wanted. Its like an emotional 8 ball of really good coke (I would assume)- a thunderous love and lots of nervous excitement.
Soon you start craving that intense attention with the same hungry obsession of those junkies you see on the street and think "how did they let it get that bad?"
But when a drug is withheld you turn sick, you act crazy and feel depleted and you start to resent the dealer that got you hooked on the stuff in the first place. And now he won't give you the good stuff anymore- despite the fact that you know he still has the good stuff somewhere (way down deep inside him). God damn him...he used to give it to you for free.
Now you are skinny and crying in a corner somewhere certain you would sell your soul just to have that thing...that feeling...that love... just one more time again.
Meanwhile the object of your adoration is now repulsed by you...by your neediness and your weakness. He looks at you like you are someone he has never met before, let alone someone he was ever in love with or passionate about. The ironic thing is- you can't blame him. You are the not the confident girl you once were. Look at yourself. You are a pathetic mess, unrecognizeable to your own eyes.

This deal is over and I gotta get off this drug.

Sad Eyes

August 18, 2007 - Saturday


Sad Eyes

I don't like the things you don't say
Leaving it for such a long long time
Why do you show me those sad sad eyes
Each time you decide to pass on by

And when you smile those sad eyes
Look sadder and sadder still

Autumns you know sad eyes
Makes me laugh and laugh and more
I'll have a bath or make the dinner and then I'll go wait for a long long time
But still you haven't passed my door

And when you smile those sad eyes
Look sadder and sadder still

I can tell that you're lonely
But it seems now
There's nothing you want me to do
So I won't try to take the sadness from those eyes that I love
Leave it open for someone else to

And when you smile those sad eyes
Look sadder and sadder still

Trying to hold it together
Keep my love as light as a feather
Sad eyes baby it's been such a long time
Keep my heart breaking in the dark
Come and spend the day

The million dollar question

August 13, 2007 - Monday


I wish I knew......

So...my 18 year old cousin asked me a question tonight and I have no idea how to answer it. It is single handedly the most amazing question ever, and if I knew the answer I wouldn't be so jaded now.......

"How do you make someone love you as much as you love them?"

.........if you've figured it out, let me know

August 12, 2007 - Sunday


Zero

I'm starting over from Zero. I'm clipping the people from my life that do nothing for me except drag me down. There have been alot of you in my life and you know who you are.

I'm tired of being the girl that is willing to love, fight, cry, listen, advise, encourage, tell you the truth (no matter how painful it is to hear) and stand by while you soak it all in like a sponge and then you throw me in the gutter when you've rung me all out.

I'm done being the girl that collects wounded birds and mends their wings so they can fly away to something better.

You can call me what you will. You can say horrible things about me to your friends. We've been here before and I am getting really good at fixing my own wings now.

LOST CAUSE

Your sorry eyes, they cut through bone.
They make it hard to leave you alone.
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new.

Theres too many people you used to know
They see you coming they see you go.
They know your secrets and you know theirs
This town is crazy, but nobody cares.

Im a lost cause.

Im tired of fighting

Fighting for a lost cause

Theres a place where you are going
You aint never been before
Theres no one laughing at your back now
No one standing at your door
Is that what you thought love was for?


Im tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause.