So, my mom has been harrassing me about eHarmony because all her friends kids are marrying guys they met on that site.
I wanted to prove to her that everyone involved with internet dating are big losers so that she will stop thinking that it is the answer to all my problems.
So, tonight I log on to the stupid eHarmony website. I answer 400 questions about myself and then I wait. I wait for it to pop up a bunch of pictures of eligible bachelors in my area...preparing myself to laugh at the lame guys they link me to romantically. I am totally ready to send my mom the pictures of these weirdos and say "See! There are no NORMAL and ATTRACTIVE guys that do online dating". But then a message pops up. Where are the random guy photos?? Wait, this message is NOT from my future soulmate, but rather from the eHarmoy people. They tell me that they are unable to find me a match in southern CA. It appears I am one of the 20% of people out there who are basically "undate-able" and obviously really fucked up. Are you kidding me? How can I not even qualify to date 1 guy in the state of CA? Have you seen the people that date online? They are usually balding, addicted to porn and have skin like the "Before" pictures on a ProActiv commercial! That guy won't even date me? I even said I'd date a guy who had kids, I figured there has to be lots of girls out there that DON'T want to deal with somebody elses kid,so I thought it might help me find a diamond in the rough. But even the low-income guy with a crazy ex-wife and ADHD kid probems isn't interested in me?!
There is a serious problem here.......I need counselling, not an online dating service!
This was their message:
eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.
We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.
Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time.
Then they gave me a personality profile telling me why no one will ever date me:
Though your motives arise from genuine compassion, some people might think of you as "a little too good to be true." They could suspect that your kindness is something you use to ingratiate yourself with others or to get them to like you. Others may suspect that your altruism is a mask for your own problems; you take care of others but never let others get to know you well enough to offer you their care. Some of this suspicion may be genuine; they just can't believe you're this kind. But it may also be triggered by envy; people see in you a tenderheartedness they don't find in themselves, and it makes them uncomfortable so they take it out on you with their suspicions.
Another critical response others may have may be something you want to take a serious look at. If you spend your time taking care of others, you may not have enough left to take very good care of yourself. If you're always asking, "What can I do for you?", you may not focus enough on your own needs. You're so busy taking care of others that you neglect yourself and empty your reserves of energy and good health. Like we said, give it consideration and if it doesn't fit move on.
Now that they have ripped down my self-confidence to a non-existant level they try to build me back up again with these kind words (loosely translated as "Homeless people think you are great, but Good Luck ever finding a boyfriend, LOSER!":
For the most part, people will feel gifted to come across someone like you. For those you help, you will be light in the darkness, a hand up when they've fallen into a ditch. Your true graciousness and selflessness is rather rare these days and is often a breath of fresh air in this all too often dog-eat-dog world. Others will see in you the kindness that each of us seeks in life, both in our own characters and in our relationships with others. And you will become a model of that honest compassion; someone others may even look up to. Hopefully that feels okay to you.
2 comments:
Where is their headquarters? I'm thinking we need to take a trip to the grocery store and home depot.....RAW MEAT & DRILL BITS??
Don't listen to that NONSENSE!! You are fabulous! And there is a MAN out there for you! But the kind of guy's we need are NOT on eHarmony. They are busy causing scandals and breaking hearts with someone else right now. They are getting it all out of their system so that when they do meet you they are ready for you & will appreciate you & everything you do! It takes a lot of "practice" with the wrong people to make it clear who the RIGHT person is!
Seriously this is what happened to my friend that did eharmony! They told her the EXACT same thing. All the other dating sites are using this in their ads saying, "we don't turn people away," and so on. It's REALLY not you, it's that damn site. This should silence your Mom though! ;) xoxo---Jess---
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