F*ck Valentines Day!

I am convinced that Saint Valentine works for Hallmark. The man created a holiday that only terrible things can occur on. It makes single people feel like shit (well, maybe not single guys because in the words of my friend Todd "Valentines is the best night to go out to the bars because every chick is desperate for love and really vulnerable (aka "easy" that night) and even if you have a Valentine it costs you a small fortune to go out that night. I wouldn't be surprised if Denny's had a $150 price fix dinner on Feb 14th. And, did you know that if you get engaged on Valentines, when your significant other turns into a raging bitch and leaves you for your best friend....she gets to keep the ring, because you make the dumb mistake of "gifting" it to her on a national holiday.

Maybe I am just jaded because Valentines Day has never been good to me. I don't think I have been single on Valentines Day since I was 16, so this is a new experience for me. But I've never been happy on V-Day single or not, because something always goes terribly wrong on that day for me for some reason.
It all started way back when, in highschool, when I worked at Victoria Secret. Every perverted old man would come in to pick something out for his wife and they all had the same story "My wife is the same size as you, can you try this on for me to see if it fits?". I may have been 16 and naive at that time, but I was smart enough to know that $8 an hour was not enough to get me to pimp out freaking panty sets...The best part was, every guy that came up with that line thought he was the smartest guy ever for thinking of it. "No, asshole your wife is fat and she is going to return this shit tomorrow torn up with stains on it and I am going to be the person who has to fight with her for 20 minutes while she tries to claim she never wore the shit." Yes, i worked at Victoria's Secret when they had a no questions asked return policy and way before they started giving rubber gloves to their cashiers for handling returns. Needless to say, ladies wash that stuff before you wear it!
Next was the year my Dad sent me flowers to my work for my birthday, but they got delivered on valentines with no card......so I called my boyfriend at the time to thank him for the AMAZING bouquet of flowers.......that he DIDN'T send me (and had no intentions of sending me). That was awkward and ultimately his demise.
Or how about last year, when I came home from work to find my stairway up filled up with hot pink gerber daisies, chocolate covered gummi bears, a bottle of Italian Merlot and my little pony valentines. I figured that my ex of 3 years (that had just dumped me on New Years) had to have come to his senses and made a romantic attempt to win me back... he was the only person that could have known these were my favorite things ever..... Yeah, well I was wrong AGAIN.......the valentines surprise was from a guy I met at Kantina one night who stalked me on myspace, and read a survey I had filled out about things I liked. He had to special order the freaking chocolate covered gummi bears from germany because he couldn't find them in any stores.
But as we all know, nice guys are creepy (I know I have issues ;).... so I pretended to be sick to get out of the date, I drank his wine, ate the gummi bears, got drunk and left shitty messages on my ex's voicemail. I mean seriously, who wouldn't do the same ?!
So, this is why I am over celebrating Valentines.......or its just a really good excuse I have made up to make myself feel better for not having a Valentine ;)